USELESS

From the past one year I am sitting in home (doing nothing).With doing nothing I mean to say doing nothing productive. Two years back I completed my high school and after that like every other student I was excited to go to university for my higher studies . There are many reasons for students to be excited about going to university but for me it was about meeting new people , making new friends , studying about things you really want to get knowledge of and most important university life marks the beginning of your adult life. Also you tend to take decisions on your own without the involvement of your parents , which is little late than the western countries. But my excitement and enthusiasm felt short only for four months as the surprise arrival of coronavirus (or in students term I should say out of syllabus question of coronavirus came ) for which none of us was ready except China. As this pandemic lead lockdowns worldwide causing everything to be closed. This forced many other students like me to sit at our homes. In starting it seemed to be fun to be at home all day doing nothing and just relaxing but as the lockdown extended and we were still in our houses and doing nothing specially students like me who had to just attend classes online and nothing else to do. With days passing and nothing to do except sleeping , eating ,playing video games , using phone , which also felt boring after doing these things continuously for a long time. With also being a little introvert I had very few friends and people with whom I could spend my time with. By sitting idle all day a certain feeling of self doubt started to strike my mind . A feeling which made me think that I am useless. All these negative thoughts revolving in my mind made me to worry about my future and my career. As these thoughts were getting heavy on me social media played the role of a catalyst in increasing these thoughts .As on social media I would see other people doing fun activities and hanging around with their friends and enjoying this lockdown period in one way or the other. It came to point started to envy what others had. USELESS was the word that was continuously going through my mind. I started finding ways to keep my self busy to get rid of these thoughts but all my efforts went into vain. At end of every day before going to bed thoughts like , what I will do in my career, what will be my future , will I be able to good for myself and my family ,will I be able to live my dreams and achieve my goals. All thoughts that can make me feel low would fill up my mind. All these thoughts used to strike my earlier also but could not affect me the way in which they were doing now or by being free all the time and with nothing to keep my mind busy with OVERTHINKING was getting better of me. Before all this lockdown and coronavirus we used to meet people ,had activities to utilize our time with , had our work to do , due to which I was not able get deep into this. Also a person like me who do not talk much , do not like to share his feelings much , do not have people in life with whom I could share everything and an introvert to some extent. In my case specially I was not able to figure out how to productively utilize this time like many others did .Because of one my worst habit which is that is I have things in my mind that I want to do but I cannot do because I think do not have a firm determination to execute them and I have low self self confidence which leads to underestimate myself before others do which automatically leads to self doubt. Today also I am writing this story or column because I was surfing through internet about how to keep yourself busy and I found about writing .Also came across it could be a productive thing to do keep your self engaged and I hope this works for me.

THANK YOU.